Manly Wedding Blog

By all accounts, my life has been pretty wonderful. From day one – being born a white suburban male in America – things have been lookin’ up since 1986. Even so, I have always felt that something was missing, other than my rent checks. “Who am I,” I would sigh longingly to the wind, turning to gaze for hours from aloft my castle window. Something was missing. Something I could never put my finger on. Oh, the nights spent scooping Ben and Jerry’s into my mouth with my bare hands, screaming, “I’m still soooo emptyyyyyyy insssideeeeeee!” Even with the billions of dollars I’ve made from this blog, all the dog tuxedos and fireworks I bought couldn’t make me happy. And then, finally, my soul found salvation. A higher power. A soulmate. To be specific, an inspirational hipflask engraved with a picture of Bruce Willis from Armageddon.

Because when God gives you space rocks, you make FREEDOMADE.

Throughout my time on this blog, I’ve often had advertisers approach me and say, “You’re the voice of a generation and your blog is like reading a drunker William Faulkner, may we please have the honor of advertising on your site?” I would nod approvingly as they wept and kissed my rings. And they’d pay me in money or even, in one case, shampoo (thanks, Axe Body Spray, you selfless philanthropists.) But then along came PersonalizedFlask.net to change my world for the better. Their proposal was simple – try out our product however you see fit. And like most things in my life “however you see fit” means “how can this somehow become about Michael Bay’s disasterpiece Armageddon?” So I used their ridiculously customizable site and a week later, BOOM. Of them was born a King. If you’re looking for a unique gift for your groomsmen, look no further. I know I won’t. I may never look at anything ever again. So here are some tips for groomsmen gifts you can create from PersonalizedFlask.net, the website that gave my life purpose.

Nicolas Cage Flasks Sure, I went with Armageddon, but only because it would be embarrassing if my flask didn’t match my bed sheets. But you can also go with the other juggernaut of the performing arts: Nicolas Cage. PersonalizedFlask.net allows you to add a picture with the likeness of Mr. Cage, along with a message for your groomsmen like: “You’re My National Treasure.” Or even, “Let’s Drink Our Faces/Off.” No matter where they are, they’ll receive compliments, as I already do for my spectacular work of mobile art. Let’s say your groomsman meets the President. “Honor to meet you, Mr. President. Oh, I’m sorry, my Nicolas Cage as seen in Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance flask just fell out of my pocket. How embarrassing.” And boom, VICE PRESIDENT GROOMSMAN. That’s the power of these groomsmen gifts.

“This liquor better be Gone in 60 Seconds!”

Jane Austen Flasks Then again, if you’re like me, you hate your friends. My groomsmen include three of my brothers and two friends. And I hate them all so much. So if I’m going to give them a gift, I’m going to make it count. So using PersonalizedFlask.net, I plan to purchase all of my groomsmen flasks with Jane Austen quotes on them. Try looking cool drinking from your flask now, ya fancy little lady! A picture of a cat in a garden (personalizedflask.net offers full color I might add) along with the quote “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” Or for another groomsman, a photo of Ms. Austen as portrayed by the World’s Worst Person Ever, Anne Hathaway, along with the quote: “Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.” That’ll teach my groomsman for being supportive and available for me in my times of need! Yeah, burned!

“There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart.”

The Classic And there’s always the classic: a picture of your face with creepy phrases underneath. Make every sip from their personalized flask a creepy reminder that they were once your groomsman. You could have a photo of you grinning like a serial killer with the words: “Open wide, big boy” underneath. Or a photo of you winking with the caption: “Your lips are like a warm blanket on a snowy day.” Because if they’re your groomsman, you want to remind them who’s in charge. I’ll probably have one made of me giving a kissy face that says, “That’s it, a little closer.” Create memories that last a lifetime. And haunt them for an eternity.

“How do I taste?”

But seriously, I could not give a higher recommendation to PersonalizedFlask.net for whatever your groomsman gift could be. They offer photo flasks, non-photo, mega-flasks that hold enough to REALLY party, fraternity flasks, mirrored flasks, and anything else you can imagine. As a man planning a wedding, you clearly wanna do as little as possible. So stop by PersonalizedFlask.net and get it all done in less than an hour. Seriously. Just ask yourself: WWHSD? (What Would Harry Stamper Do?) I’ll tell you. He’d hit 800 feet. Like he promised. And like my flask will always remind me.

Guys, my novel is on sale for 99 cents on Kindle this weekend only. It’s a comedy about serial killers with tons of LOLing and ROTFLing. But seriously, 99 cents! That’s less than 1 cent a grammatical error! Here’s the link

And if that doesn’t convince you, here’s David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger drunk:

There is nothing in the world more boring than other peoples’ wedding plans. Yes, please tell me about your florist because I was lacking motivation to eat my morning cyanide. So I apologize. But if you’re a reader of this blog, chances are you like boring. Either that, or you’re practicing editing grammar for your degree in early childhood education. So if you’re only here for the dick jokes and Nicolas Cage gifs, please exit now. This post will contain actual wedding planning. None of which I participated in beyond saying, “Shh, Archer is on,” but it is going to eventually effect me.

Yep, no Nicolas Cage gifs here.

Like most men, my “wedding planning” usually involves receiving an invitation from a friend, licking ketchup stains out of my JC Penney discount suit, checking Google maps to make sure the drive is worth the open bar, and then being disappointed that I can only drink Coors Light. Somewhere in that mix, my friends celebrate tying their finances together and legitimizing their offspring. So prior to planning my own wedding, I always thought the only planning involved with a wedding was telling the bartender, “Only serve Coors Light, because I’m an asshole!” and then cackling as lighting strikes outside your castle window. But reality, it turns out, is slightly more complicated. Especially since I don’t have a castle and can’t afford Coors Light. Though lightning did strike outside while I was pouring Windex into a vat of apple juice, which is my tax bracket’s equivalent.

“Because nobody wants to drink their mediocrity warm.”

The first thing “we” did was hire a wedding planner. “We” is in parentheses because obviously it wasn’t my idea to pay someone a thousand dollars to remind me to turn the lights on at the reception. “Planning the wedding is YOUR job, woman,” I shout at my fiancee as I chug PBR and throw darts at a picture of Hilary Clinton. Yet somehow my sheep-like manliness gave way and now we have a woman who calls us once a week to say, “You should have a dress” and I make the head-shaped dent in my wall slightly deeper. We also hired a DJ. That was actually a great experience, because it was at a Panera. If there’s one thing I love in this world, it’s Panera. Panera is like a Klan rally for middle class people, because it’s a place to just sit around and love being ridiculously white. “I’d love another Tuscan Asiago Turkey panini, but then how will I have room for my baguette and iced green tea latte?” So I’m not sure exactly how that whole meeting went, but I enjoyed some Muzak and a You Pick 2 while my fiancee agreed to pay some guy to be an iPod with shoes.

Let our vast array of baked goods distract you from the homeless guy showering in the bathroom sink.

Beyond handing people sacks of cash to show up at my wedding, which is super awesome, I guess I should mention our “theme” for all you ladies out there in the audience. That means you, mom. Despite my insistence that the theme be “Tron” (AND despite the amount of money I spent sewing electronic tubing into my suit in hopeful anticipation of said theme) our theme will be “shabby chic.” At first I thought this was some clever TheKnot.com terminology for “cute and poor” but it’s actually pretty cool. Lots of doilies and lace and burlap and curtains. So what I’m saying is I still have no idea what it means, but the point is that I don’t hate it. Which is huge for me. Because I hate everything. I’m seriously a vessel of unexplained hatred. For example, after Anne Hathaway won an Oscar, I was so mad I spent a week walking into orphanages and smacking food from children’s mouths. Anyway, our wedding is moving along nicely. And Anne Hathaway is terrible.

Pop Quiz: Which picture is Ferris Bueller?

Evidence that I’m planning my wedding is available here.
Evidence that Anne Hathaway is the worst thing to ever worst is available here.