By all accounts, my life has been pretty wonderful. From day one – being born a white suburban male in America – things have been lookin’ up since 1986. Even so, I have always felt that something was missing, other than my rent checks. “Who am I,” I would sigh longingly to the wind, turning to gaze for hours from aloft my castle window. Something was missing. Something I could never put my finger on. Oh, the nights spent scooping Ben and Jerry’s into my mouth with my bare hands, screaming, “I’m still soooo emptyyyyyyy insssideeeeeee!” Even with the billions of dollars I’ve made from this blog, all the dog tuxedos and fireworks I bought couldn’t make me happy. And then, finally, my soul found salvation. A higher power. A soulmate. To be specific, an inspirational hipflask engraved with a picture of Bruce Willis from Armageddon.
Throughout my time on this blog, I’ve often had advertisers approach me and say, “You’re the voice of a generation and your blog is like reading a drunker William Faulkner, may we please have the honor of advertising on your site?” I would nod approvingly as they wept and kissed my rings. And they’d pay me in money or even, in one case, shampoo (thanks, Axe Body Spray, you selfless philanthropists.) But then along came PersonalizedFlask.net to change my world for the better. Their proposal was simple – try out our product however you see fit. And like most things in my life “however you see fit” means “how can this somehow become about Michael Bay’s disasterpiece Armageddon?” So I used their ridiculously customizable site and a week later, BOOM. Of them was born a King. If you’re looking for a unique gift for your groomsmen, look no further. I know I won’t. I may never look at anything ever again. So here are some tips for groomsmen gifts you can create from PersonalizedFlask.net, the website that gave my life purpose.
Nicolas Cage Flasks Sure, I went with Armageddon, but only because it would be embarrassing if my flask didn’t match my bed sheets. But you can also go with the other juggernaut of the performing arts: Nicolas Cage. PersonalizedFlask.net allows you to add a picture with the likeness of Mr. Cage, along with a message for your groomsmen like: “You’re My National Treasure.” Or even, “Let’s Drink Our Faces/Off.” No matter where they are, they’ll receive compliments, as I already do for my spectacular work of mobile art. Let’s say your groomsman meets the President. “Honor to meet you, Mr. President. Oh, I’m sorry, my Nicolas Cage as seen in Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance flask just fell out of my pocket. How embarrassing.” And boom, VICE PRESIDENT GROOMSMAN. That’s the power of these groomsmen gifts.
Jane Austen Flasks Then again, if you’re like me, you hate your friends. My groomsmen include three of my brothers and two friends. And I hate them all so much. So if I’m going to give them a gift, I’m going to make it count. So using PersonalizedFlask.net, I plan to purchase all of my groomsmen flasks with Jane Austen quotes on them. Try looking cool drinking from your flask now, ya fancy little lady! A picture of a cat in a garden (personalizedflask.net offers full color I might add) along with the quote “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” Or for another groomsman, a photo of Ms. Austen as portrayed by the World’s Worst Person Ever, Anne Hathaway, along with the quote: “Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.” That’ll teach my groomsman for being supportive and available for me in my times of need! Yeah, burned!
The Classic And there’s always the classic: a picture of your face with creepy phrases underneath. Make every sip from their personalized flask a creepy reminder that they were once your groomsman. You could have a photo of you grinning like a serial killer with the words: “Open wide, big boy” underneath. Or a photo of you winking with the caption: “Your lips are like a warm blanket on a snowy day.” Because if they’re your groomsman, you want to remind them who’s in charge. I’ll probably have one made of me giving a kissy face that says, “That’s it, a little closer.” Create memories that last a lifetime. And haunt them for an eternity.
But seriously, I could not give a higher recommendation to PersonalizedFlask.net for whatever your groomsman gift could be. They offer photo flasks, non-photo, mega-flasks that hold enough to REALLY party, fraternity flasks, mirrored flasks, and anything else you can imagine. As a man planning a wedding, you clearly wanna do as little as possible. So stop by PersonalizedFlask.net and get it all done in less than an hour. Seriously. Just ask yourself: WWHSD? (What Would Harry Stamper Do?) I’ll tell you. He’d hit 800 feet. Like he promised. And like my flask will always remind me.